We’ve entered a bear market… Investment portfolios are crumbling like your fitness resolutions on January 12th.
Every news channel is projecting certain economic doom for the country. You’re financial life is evaporating before your eyes… or so it seems.
We haven’t seen times like this since 2008, and it seems a bear market can be a real dick. No matter how you spin it, it’s hard to find the silver lining when every news outlet is convincing you that your financial life is over.
So, what can you do during times like this? Sell your stock and lick your wounds? Go on a shopping spree and rack up some sweet, sweet emotional debt? No, certainly not!
I would suggest you bitch, moan, and cry about a bear market like a real adult.
Here are the 10 best ways to cry about a bear market!
Bear Market Cry #1: The Shower Cry
As the market is tumbling, there isn’t a better time to moan about your losses than in a hot shower. Let the hot water run down over your face as you weep into your loofah.
The sound of the water pounding off the shower curtain will drown out your child-like screams as you consider the need to begin living a terrible life of frugality!
Take advantage of your privacy… really let go and scream sing “Everybody Hurts” along with your shower radio.
Enjoy it, you big baby…
Bear Market Cry #2: The Social Media Cry
You’ve only got 60 seconds to project your sorrow onto the sorry bastards that follow you on Instagram.
Make it count, really let it out… put on a real show for your “fans”. Times like this don’t come around often enough to half ass this 60 second sorrow-filled attention-seeking monstrosity.
Let your mascara run down your cheeks and burn your eyes like the fire from a thousand suns.
Don’t hold back… This is your show, this is your moment to show the world how much you’ve lost recently.
Bonus points if you can produce a snot bubble that doesn’t burst for at least 45 seconds. You got this, you’re a star.
Bear Market Cry #3: Cry Yourself to Sleep
Not a fan of attention? Well, this is the one for you. Turn down the lights, curl up in bed with your favorite pillow and fleece blanket and really let loose.
Bury your face deep in your pillow and scream as though you’re giving birth. Don’t worry about your neighbors, they won’t hear you through the plush comfort of that $200 orthopedic pillow.
Weep with such passion and intensity that your body has no choice but to pass out until morning. As the sun rises, so will your false hope of a market rebound…
Rinse and repeat until you’ve either become dehydrated or the bear market makes a comeback. Whichever comes first.
Bear Market Cry #4: Cry to Your Mommy
Can you think of a better place to seek comfort than in the loving arms of your mother?
Hold her close as you complain about your recent losses and seek pity from someone who’s probably lost more than you in recent weeks.
No matter how old you are, you’re still her baby and now’s the time to act the part. Let the tears and snot flow like the salmon of Capistrano!
Don’t fear the silent judgment that she’s casting upon you, just let go and dump your financial anxiety onto her.
Bear Market Cry #5: The Ugly Cry
Have you ever seen someone who wins a life changing amount of money on TV? Typically they produce such raw emotion that it’s hard to look at for longer than 8 seconds.
This is you, baby. Let your financial pain pour from your eyes, nose, and mouth. Wallow until your face looks as though you’ve just lost a limb.
This type of cry is exhausting. Perhaps combing this one with the “Cry Myself to Sleep” would be appropriate. If you’re going to be sad, you might as well be well rested, right?
Hopefully you live alone because this shit is… Hard. To. Watch… I’m judging you now and I can’t even see you. (yuck)
Bear Market Cry #6: Cry to Your Dog
Ol’ Fido doesn’t understand human currency. He lives by the biscuit and life is good… or so it was.
As the news coverage screams “market collapse”, hold him close and weep into his warm, furry shoulder as you consider those New Year’s money resolutions that will never be…
As your tears saturate his beautiful fur, he will anxiously pant over you wondering what the hell is happening to his human.
Although he doesn’t understand why you’re having this media-fueled emotional meltdown, he will most certainly greet you with loving licks as soon as you pull your shit together.
Bear Market Cry #7: The Happy Cry
Have you been holding onto your cash since 2009 because you were certain that the market was at its peak?
Well, here it is… This is your Super Bowl, you lucky bastard.
The market has finally turned bear and you couldn’t be happier.
9 years of sitting on the sidelines… cradling your cash like a six year old with their favorite Christmas toy has led to this beautiful moment.
As others are weeping into the judgmental bosom of their mother, you’re dancing like Michael Flatley from Lord of the Dance.
Tears of pure, unfiltered joy will fill your eyes and “I told you so’s” will pour out of your mouth. This is it, it happened… You were indeed right. I hope this feels good… you big jerk.
Bear Market Cry #8: The Stub Your Toe Cry
Have you ever rounded the corner on a dark night only to kick the corner of a dresser that hasn’t moved in a decade?
A dull “thud” breaks the silence of a beautiful night, only to be followed by your gut-wrenching scream.
It’s been fabled that the pain from a bear market is equal to that of 10 stubbed toes. Open your Personal Capitol account and kick the wall.
The pain from your broken toe will fuel your bear market hate fire. Scream in pain as you consider the thousands that you’ve surely lost forever. Maybe your newly fractured toe will serve as a painful distraction? (fist pump)
Bear Market Cry #9: The Man Cry
Too tough to cry? That’s ok… this is obviously your first bear market and you’re not sure how to cope with this flood of emotions.
Grit your teeth, bite your lip and be a tough guy about it. Stare at the floor and remain still until the memory of a bear market leaves your mind.
After all, if you don’t cry about the bear market you’re probably tougher than those who are weeping into the confused shoulder of their dog.
It’s ok to be sad, but you’re a tough mother fucker and you’re not going to show anyone. Good for you, you big tough guy…
Bear Market Cry #10: The Corner Cry
Has the bear market left you looking for a friend to cry to? Well, don’t come over here, I don’t wanna watch you wallow in self-pity. (blah)
It’s probably best to just curl up in a ball and cry in the corner of your house. This is your happy place and the risk of judgement is a clean comfy zero.
Pro tip: Lay some towels down to collect the tears as you purge these financial sorrows onto the linoleum.
Bonus, you can use the saturated towel to clean the floor once you’re done being a giant baby about this shit.
A clean house is a happy house!
There you have it… The market is down, you’re sad about it, and no one understands you. That’s ok… You can wipe your soul clean of these negative emotions by just crying it out.
After all, crying about a bear market is far less painful than selling your stocks and taking a permanent loss.
Life will go on, the bear market will come back, and I’m being told you’ll be happy you rode this out.
Just cry about it… You big baby!