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An Asshole’s Guide to Massive Corporate Success

Asshole's guide to massive corporate success

(Caution:  The post below may be offensive to established corporate “players”.  If you feel burned, apply ice and take a cold shower)

Corporate America is a dirty, dirty world.  

Millions of Americans are entrenched in the mind numbing world of corporate America.  Missing their families, crying in the bathroom stall, and being forced to listen to Margaret talk about her new cat.

I’ve seen too many new members of corporate come in and try to change this system by adding in common sense…

Those poor bastards… They don’t know the basic truth of corporate.  It’s impossible to find success utilizing common sense.  They might as well be trying to fly by flapping their arms.

Surviving in corporate America isn’t about how good you are at your job…  No, no.  Kicking ass in corporate requires a set of skills and the need for 5 showers a day.

It can be especially difficult to climb the ol’ corporate ladder if you’re outspoken, or have the inability to turn your free thinking brain off.

I’m sure you have wonderful ideas.  Just don’t share them with anyone… ever.

I’ve spent close to 10 years in corporate America, I’ve seen the best of the best and the worst of the worst.  What I’ve learned is that a strong moral compass only leads you to the unemployment line.

Dominating this world is possible, and I want to share with you the shitty personality traits you must develop to get ahead!

Politics

 

Corporate politics

Let’s go ahead and get this out of the way.  Most people who rocket up the corporate ladder have mastered the game of office/company politics.  (If this offends you, I’m sure you’re different and none of this will apply to you. (eye roll) )

They know whose ass needs a quality kissing, and who can be completely ignored.

This my friends… Is. An. Art.

Spouting off compliments to everyone just to make them “feel good” is a terrible idea. You’ll learn that in this world some folks just aren’t important enough to lie to, let alone speak to.

We’re trying to advance our careers, not build up someone’s self-esteem… (Pshh)

The first step to understanding the politics is to identify the “players” within your organization. This most often starts by studying your manager.

Who do they reference consistently, or better yet… is there someone in the organization who appears to have a brain the size of a marble, but yet they continue to get promoted?

“Tina is rolling out a new project that will essentially cost more than our current process, and reduce our workforce.  It hasn’t been piloted, but we’re going national”.  There’s your girl.

Tina can suggest that everyone light their hair on fire, and the ominous smell of burning flesh would rapidly fill the office.

She’s a player and it’s important that she knows that you recognize that.

Politics have also been injected into the development of company initiatives.  Players are throwing around their ideas in a desperate plea to appear important.  HELP. THEM!

The purpose of the project isn’t important.  The player could ask you to repaint a white wall another shade of white, and you’ll need to enthusiastically paint that shit.

The real purpose of the project is to make the leader (a player)feel important and for you to complete whatever arbitrary shi… work that’s assigned to you.

A good rule of thumb is that the more worthless a project seems, the more enthusiastic you should be about it.

Conference Calls

 

flipping off

Eat shit Gary

Conference calls will pollute your calendar.  These meaningless displays of pseudo-collaboration will haunt your dreams…

With that being said, you need to learn how to use these mind numbing calls to further your career.

To become a next level corporate crusher, you’ll need to master the skill of not paying attention, while also knowing when to add in arbitrary phrases to make it seem as though you’re paying attention.

Some great lines would be “How does this look on a macro level?”  The message is entirely empty, but it appears to tie in to almost any scenario.

This is an advanced skill and should be practiced prior to implementation.  Jumping into the deep-end can be disastrous.  Early on, don’t say anything and if someone calls on you… just say you were on mute.

One slip up and the leader will know you’ve been reading blog posts (like everyone else) and not hanging on their every word.

Another little known trick of killing it in corporate is sabotaging your peers.  Most Webex or Skype platforms allow you to unmute someone.  A simple right click can spell disaster for that annoying peer of yours.

Go ahead and take that kiss ass Gary off mute, you know he’s going to be talking shit about the leader and getting a front row seat to his career implosion will make the day less painful.

As Gary’s career is smoldering you can sweep in and pick up the pieces. burning house

Self promotion takes no prisoners. 

Corporate Speak

 

confused actor

Why is everyone saying “Nirvana” today?

Early in your career you’re not going to understand the lingo you hear around you.  It’ll sound like they’re speaking a goofy ass foreign language.  They are.

Its corporate speak, or corporate lingo.

Typically the language changes annually, and it’s based around which ever dumb-ass leadership training they’re shoving down your throat.

“This year we’re only using positive feedback to correct team members and we’ve eliminated all negative words from our team vocabulary.”  Well… if that won’t rocket productivity through the roof, I don’t know what will! Thanks Eric, you dick.

The dumber the language, the more you need to embrace it around your manager and other “players”.

“Hi Brenda, I appreciate the opportunity to eliminate my staff and take on their work.  May I ask what your nirvana is when considering any possible outcome?”

Brenda will eat that shit up like a kid at a pizza party.

Once you finish tossing around that corporate lingo, it’s imperative that you don’t vomit all over your chest.  You’ll want to.

Typically after the words leave my mouth, I feel like I just chugged 12 beers and need a shower.

Like I said, most of the time the lingo follows mandatory leadership training, but every once in awhile a player creates a new phrase…and every underling suckling on the power teat begins to regurgitate the dumbass phrase onto their team like a mother bird force feeding her young.

It’s an awful sight…

If an outsider would stumble into the office they would be both confused and concerned by the behavior… but not you, because you’re here to kiss ass and take names. (fist bump)

The Art of Saying Yes

flipping off

Errrmmmuhhgawwwd I’d love to help you beat baby seals 

A common misconception that most new corporate members make is thinking their thoughts, ideas, and desires matter. (giggles)

You silly asshole, they don’t matter!

When your manager approaches you about an important project,or most likely an arbitrary task, you’ll need to learn how to agree with blind enthusiasm.

If this weren’t true, the term “volun-told” wouldn’t exist.  You’ll be volun-told to do a lot of shit.  Most will be unimportant tasks, and some will be so worthless the player will forget they even asked.

How you agree for a project is also important.  Don’t just say yes.  Use some enthusiasm!

Manager:  “I’ve got this list of shit to do that I don’t want to do.  I think you’d be great to do my dirty work.  How’s that sound?!”

You:  “That sounds great!  I appreciate you giving me this opportunity to attack a challenging project.  I’m actually really passionate about (they usually stop listening by now so, you can mix it up) wiping the ass of other adults”.

Manager:  “Great, I’ll go ahead and start sending you my shit work.”

You nailed it!!

Final Word

The fact is… corporate America is a real shit show.  Moving up in this soulless world will challenge not only your mind, but also your morality.  If you want to move up, it’s time to take the gloves off and kick some ass.

Eliminate your weaknesses, stab your co-workers in the back, lather up your managers ass on a daily basis, and you’ll be well on your way to becoming a player!

I wish you nothing but the best in this dog eat dog world!  I just hope you don’t work for my organization because I don’t need to compete with another asshole who knows the secret to success!

Good luck!

6 Comments

  1. NAILED.IT.

    I felt like I was work for past 5 minutes and feel like I need a shower…

  2. Corporate world is dog eat dog world. This is the reason to work for yourself as soon as possible. I know many people who appear awesome to administration but a jack to colleagues. Guess what, they climb higher. Another thing I want to add is the ‘hosanna today, crucify him tomorrow ” attitude of bosses. For example, you can be the employee of the century , even millenium. But once a bad news break about you, the company releases a public message on how they are not affiliated with you.
    I ramble lol. Awesome post.

  3. Excellent piece! Definitely brought back memories and reminded me why I freelance.

    • debtandcupcakes

      December 14, 2018 at 8:50 am

      Thanks! Corporate America is a rough world… I’m ready to get out! What type of freelance work work do you do?

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